It wasn't easy at all to be fair living on a psychiatric ward but I have definitely learnt a lot from that experience.
I remember the evening in January 2012, where I had a huge meltdown and everything went from bad to worse. I can't really remember what the situation was all about to be fair but I know it was something simple that triggered it off.
The moment I was told I was going to be amitted to The Priory unit in East Sussex was heartbreaking and the thought of not seeing my family was worse.
I can't believe that all this happened in one night, It is even exhausting just thinking about it!
I left very late in the evening at around 12.00am. It was so hard saying goodbye to my family. I tried to be brave. It didn't properly sink in until It was time to get in the ambulance to be driven off to the place.
I was wiping away my tears throughout th whole journey and listened to my music the whole time. I arrived at around 6.00am in the morning unaware where I was and felt really lonely!
I was tired and exhausted as I didn't even shut an eye on the way as there was too much going through my head.
I entered the buiding and thought this will be the last time I breathe fresh air for a while. It was honestly like a prison!
As soon as I got my room sorted and settled in, I was used to the place very well and thought It wasn't a bad place after all.
It was like the same old day everyday. It was boring but It's definitely an experience I'd never forget!
It was like I was shut away from the outside world and had no idea what was going on in this world execpt watching the news obviously, on the television. They kept us entertained as much as they can and hosted small activities everyday like games, all the fun stuff. We would also be allowed to go out for a drive so we get at least a bit of fresh air.
It was still very frustrating though because It was really hard getting through day by day because it seemed like the days would last forever. I spent 3 months there altogether!
I made so many young people like me, they were so inspirational and hard to see them go through everyday difficulties like me.
We were all like a little family really even though we haven't known each other for very long!
It was difficult controlling my temper in there, the only thing I could do was take my frustration out on myself. I would self-harm. Scratch my skin with staples out of magazines until I draw blood.
I would get that emotional I didn't know what to do with myself! It was so tough because I thought it wasn't worth living.
Talking to the psychiatrists was hard but It definitely helped in terms of controlling it. They gave me loads of strategies and alternatives to deal with my anger, you could call it anger managment I suppose.
Then there was my OCD side of it all. It was very tough controlling my thoughts I couldn't help but think about one staff memeber in there. I built this really great bond with a particular staff member. His name was Simon. I don't know what triggered it but I saw him as a fatherly figure to me in there and I could talk to him if I was ever upset.
Then of course, a little obsession started. I could never get his name out of my head. I started pestering him and talking to him a lot. Then It kind of got a little more worrying. Because I seen him as someone to look up to, I then thought about what If he could adopt me. That idea never left my head! I know it sounds strange but I couldn't help this as it was a part of my OCD. It got a little over the top to the point I was embarrased to be around him and got very shy.
I remember an incident when I was in a huge tantrum. He was blocking my way so I gently pushed him out of my way, but very lightly. Then he came running up to me and pushed me over. Sometimes I think whether it was an accident or purposley but it resulted in me falling over and splitting my head open on the door frame. There was blood everywhere!
I had to be taken to A&E to have the little split on my head glued. There is still a scar there on my head to this day!
I blamed him for it and wanted to make a complaint but them I felt very guilty so I dropped the idea.
Then everything went back to normal after that day. It was very hard not having any contact with my family so I was allowed to make a phone call to them everyday. I really missed my dogs. They are two Jack Russells, named Slumpy and Jageo. Mum got them to bark down the other end of the telephone so I could hear them.
Music kept me going through the journey, whenever I felt sad, I just stuck my earphones in my ears and focus on the lyrics to keep my mind off everything.
It was definitely an experience I will never forget! I still saw my parents every now and then. They would drive up to East Sussex from Cornwall just to visit me for a few hours! I was always so excited and happy!
One incident I will never forget and never want to go through again was when I had a major meltdown and all hell broke lose because I missed m family so much! I threatened to end my life there & then which is very sad. I had to be physically restrained and had an injection to calm me down. Which hurt but calmed me down straight away because they enjected some form of liquid to stop me from tensing so I would just shut down.
Most nights was very restless and I had a lot on my mind. I had once taken sleeping pills just before I went to bed which didn't agree with me at all. I woke up in the night and was halluciating. I could visually see tigers wandering aroud my room and snakes around my bed which was very distressing and scary!
The psychiatrists finally diagnosed me with OCD and Aspergers. I should of been diagnosed previously but I didn't get the help I needed because not many services would bother with me, they were absoltely useless!
I couldn't wait to get home and get my life back on track. When I arrived home I finally felt refreshed and was so glad to get my freedom back!
I missed my family so much, I couldn't of done this without them all. They are the biggest supporters in my life and I love them all so much!
On the journey home, It was a special day because my neice, Lacey was born. It was around 2pm so we went straight to Royal Cornwall Hospital and that was when I fell in love with my first little neice. It was so overwhelming and exciting. She was very tiny and so perfect! I will never forget that day!
When I finally arrived home, my mum surprised me witha new decorated room. It was a uninon jack/London theme. I was absolutely thrilled!
I definitely feel like I'm in a much better place now but still get those ups and downs but who doesn't? nobody can live a perfect life can they? ...
In the near future, I would love to go back there again for a flying visit!