I have always struggled massively with my weight. We have a love hate relationship. Over the past few years, my weight has been creeping up ever so slowly and worryingly, I'm getting bigger each month and now it's time to do something about it.
I feel more dedicated than I ever have been. I want to do it for all right reasons which is for me to be happier, healthier and comfortable in my own skin. I have always been the one to say I'm happy the size I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin, but we all know that's just a positive way of hiding the real truth - the truth is that I'm not really happy with myself, it's a way to sugar coat my insecurities.
I have tried plenty of dieting in the past but I've never stuck to it because I always lack in willpower. But now witnessing my weight creeping up, I need to be serious about losing weight or else it will get out of my own control and my health will reach danger zone.
Yesterday, I had a little fright. For a while now, I've been getting frequent moments where I will suddenly get the shakes, I'll be drenched in my own sweat and feel extremely weak. I'd be standing there absolutely fine one minute and the next I'll be feeling ill, like something has strangely come over me. This will last for around 10 minutes. Now, I'm not sure whether this is a minor side effect from my medication or because I'm overweight. It's nothing major to worry about, it's just out of the norm how this happens.
2 years ago, I was around 14 stone but right now I dread to think how much I weigh which is probably over 17 stone by now. That's worrying. I mostly carry the most weight around my stomach area, legs and face. I only want to be 3 stone slimmer, that's my goal.
The times that I have had troubled going to College or even being College is due to my weight. It has a massive impact where I'd feel uncomfortable walking around from building to building to the point where I would sweat buckets just from a few minutes walk. I'm self conscious around the other students and fearing being judged by everyone.
At home, I'll be completely honest, I'm always at home chilling out, either in bed or sitting on the sofa. Although I do go out whenever I get the chance to. The only time when I do go out and about I always get a taxi, even if it's into town and back which is just literally a 20 minute walk. It's not always because I'm lazy, It's because I sweat so much whenever I walk for too long and I get too anxious being out in public with everyone looking at me.
But now, I hope to make a difference. As from Monday, I have 3 weeks left until I return to College and I want to make a difference and change myself for the best. I have gone out and bought some healthy food and a new exercise DVD to do at home every day. I'm fed up of feeling sluggish all the time that now all I want to do it get back to the old slimmer me so I an start to feel my very best again. It's time to stop talking about doing it and time for me to go out and achieve my goal to be a happier me.
It's closer than ever until the new year arrives and I thought I'd do things differently. As I like to set myself some new year's resolutions and goals of things I would like to achieve for the brand new year, I'm going to write down my resolutions on paper, frame them, and place them in a spot where I can revisit them everyday. Having that constant visual reminder will help me stick to everything I would like to achieve for 2017.
So without further ado, I thought I'd share with you all what I hope to achieve in 2017 and the things I'll be doing differently...
Progress in make up and try out make up artistry
So I have never denied my passion for makeup and beauty and it's something I certainly would like to improve on throughout the year. My passion for make up has only shown this past month of 2016 but I've wanted to do makeup artistry for a while now and whatever I decide to do as a career, I always seem to come back to the idea of working in makeup and beauty. I'm always watching tutorials on YouTube on how to do makeup. I've learnt a lot of things already and I hope to have made something for myself by the end of 2017. Whether that's starting up as a self-taught makeup artist or doing YouTube tutorials. Anything is possible.
Be confident and forget what others may think of me
Trying to be more confident and forgetting what others may think of me is something I've struggled with so much throughout 2016. Especially when it comes to when I want to wear make up. I'm always fearing that I'll get judged by the decisions I make. But this is the year where I leave all of that in 2016 and don't get too bothered by what people think of me regardless if I want to wear makeup or not. Be whoever you want to be which is the new attitude I'm going in with.
Carry on blogging and expand my ideas
Blogging isn't just my passion, it's also my life. Everyday I'm thinking of new ideals for my blog. My main goal is to do more collaborations with brands and think about the business side of blogging. To be able to start blogging full-time as a career and earn money would be incredible. It is do-able and there's plenty of others out there making a living from their blog. It's time to start upping my game plan and try out new things.
Work on my independence
Independence has been my main goal for a while now. I'm eighteen and have become an adult. It's every teenager's dream to move out, drive a car and earn a living. It's every teenager's dream. So, I'm setting one of these goals for now and that's to start driving. I want to be able able to have that bit of independence, go to anywhere I want to go and do anything I please. Another goal of mine to be able to achieve by the end of the year is to possibly earn some money and get my own small place. I'm not setting my goal too high, it's something I hope could happen by the end of 2017. Anything is possible.
Where's this year gone? Hasn't it gone super quick?! This time last year was an absolute nightmare for me and I was in the worst situation I've ever been in. I was sectioned for the second time and spent Christmas 300 miles away from home. All because of one stupid blip I made and the services mucking things up and not doing their job properly. But still, I can't dwell on the past.
I cannot believe it's going to be Christmas in just under a month, this year has gone in a sudden flash. Home life is going incredibly well and I'm doing extremely better than I thought at College. Yesterday (Friday) was hand-in day for my latest project assignment which fingers crossed that I pass. Since I wrote my last blog on how College was going and how I couldn't fit in, well that's dramatically changed. I've made friends, started to fit in, and more importantly enjoying my photography course. Every other student in the class is super lovely and we all get on so well that in fact, we have our own group chat on Facebook. We're all pretty close and treat each other so well.
Our course's latest project is Portraiture so we've been learning more about using the studio and taking our own portraits (photo above is both I had used in my project) I've learnt loads. I've learnt about many different famous photographers including Catherine Balet, who inspired me for my photo of me sitting at the computer. We used technology as our only light source which create a low key image.
This time of the year, my mood usually changes and I become overwhelmed by the festive period in the lead up to Christmas which right now can be where I start to have the most meltdowns at home. Compared to the place I was in last year, this is ultimately the first year so far that I haven't had any hiccups which I am so proud of. Now, I'm just looking forward to Christmas and seeing the new year off to a great start.
In regards to my blog, while in the lead up to Christmas, I have so many fantastic interviews lined up for you all and some really christmassy posts to help get you into the festive spirit. Throughout December I will be posting very regularly so make sure you're all here for that! In the meantime, make sure you are all here for my first Christmas post tomorrow....
As much as I enjoy going to College and learning new things about photography, there's a huge empty gap of loneliness in my days there. I worry about how I spend my breaks on my own or simply what do I do? Although I am growing much more independent with myself since not having someone there to rely on twenty four seven, I still get lonely and I feel I should have friends to hang out with to fit in with any other teenager. I do talk to my classmates and I do class them as friends, however, it's wondering if they really do see me as different to everyone else. A bit like the odd one out and billy no mates.
Today when I went to College, I was feeling really good. I almost went through the day without any bad feelings or anxieties but as it was the last lesson of the day, I dismissed myself 40 minutes early because I felt a little lonely and like nobody else was interested in me. I felt I didn't belong to the group at all and didn't fit in. Everyone's good at making friends quickly but I can't do that, If anything I find it hard to make friends because I don't have the social skills like a typical sociable teenager.
There's also the intimidation there at College, I often feel intimidated by the other students when it comes to how other people perceive me. How do I look? Am I acting too different or odd? It's those things I'm very conscious of. Every other student in my class are really friendly and easy to get along with, I'm just finding it difficult of facing the real world of College which I haven't experienced much of it without so much support. I'll see how I feel in the next few months...
Rewinding backwards to the start of the college term, I had a lot of trouble with getting back into routine and struggling with meeting new classmates. As always like any other students I was feeling a little apprehensive of things and questioned whether college was the right thing for me or If I was on the right course. It all turned out I was feeling nervous and anxious about being surrounded by other people of similar ages.
Apart from finding it difficult to fit in, I really enjoy studying photography four days a week. I've learnt so much already, from the basics of using a digital camera and film. We often use a room called the darkroom which is a room where you make various prints and a dark place to allow the processing of photographs. I have two great tutors who teach us well and really make sure we learn the most important things about photography who I get on with amazingly well.
The best thing I've learnt so far is the use of the camera and getting used to the various camera settings like changing the aperture and getting a good depth of field. These are both how in-focus your camera is of the object you're taking a picture of. The smaller the aperture, the larger depth of field you have and focus whereas, the larger the aperture, the shallow depth of field, Aperture is all measured in something what's called f-stops. f/22 is the smallest and f/1.4 is largest.
Overall college is going very well. When I'm in a much more structured routine, I feel I get on much better. I suppose it all takes time of getting used to. We're already four weeks into this term with two weeks until half-term. Where has the time gone? This year has gone way too quick.
Hope you're all well. This weekend I thought I'd do something a little different, something you haven't seen me do before which is of course; a mini fashion haul!
I'm not usually this confident when it comes to showing myself properly on camera due to low self esteem and body confidence so I thought I'd step out of my comfort zone and show you a side to me that you haven't seen before.
I'm nowhere near a fashion icon although I do like to treat myself here and there with a few new bits and pieces. On Wednesday, I made a few purchases online on Boohoo fashion site as I really like their clothes. It's not pricey at all. Their stuff is so cheap and affordable. Perfect for those who don't want to spend too much on things.
After browsing online, I found this top which I instantly fell in love with. I'm more of a fan of keeping things plain and simple so this t-shirt was perfect.
As you may see that it's a Drake inspired t-shirt. 'Controlla' is the name of one of his songs, One that I funnily enough, really like and enjoy listening to.. I bought this top for only £8. That was usual price too! So I'm very pleased with this purchase as it's a bargain price!
The last one I bought was this patterned floral t-shirt. Again this is neutral and simple for if I'm going out for a special occasional as it's smart or maybe I'll even where it just casually during the day. I really like the style and colours. I can definitely see me wearing this a lot as it's easily one of my favourites.
I own so many shoes at the moment from going back from last year that I haven't hardly worn so I thought I'd sneakily add to the collection and buy this awesome camo print pair.
I love these so much! I love the simplicity of them and casualness. Smart for everyday use or for going out somewhere nice in the evenings. Definitely one of my favourites. I'm very pleased that I found these as they're isn't many that I love as much as these.
So there you have it! My few purchases from Boohoo.com - I really recommend their online store for if you want something affordable and still looks amazing. I will definitely be ordering more things soon!
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it.
There's hundreds of things I would like to achieve in life right now. Goals I hope to turn into reality and ways to better myself in terms of improving my weaknesses in life. Although I know I have many things that I am good at, I'm never confident enough to realise it. I'm not always as positive as I'd hope to be. For instance, my self-image, I'm always negative about my appearance, the way I look and how people perceive of me.
So right now, I thought I'd list some things I hope to achieve in life and share them with you all or to maybe even inspire you.
I'm only young (18) and I have my whole life ahead of me so I want to express on what I'd like to achieve in life and make turn them into reality...
To Be Confident With Myself
This one is a hugely important one for me which I'm getting closer to achieving everyday.
My self-image, the way I come across to people and to be happy with the life I live.
I'm very insecure and wonder what others may think of me. Walking through the street self-consciously thinking , Do people think I'm ugly? fat? or are they laughing at me?
My appearance is something I've always struggled with, especially my weight. I'm slim nor am I too big. I hope one day I can feel comfortable in my own skin. It's always a working progress.
It gets me down a lot but I'm trying to be happy for myself.
Help And Inspire Others Who Have Autism
As somebody myself who has autism. Talking about it or even blogging about it has always been something I'm very passionate about can easily do. I use writing to express myself and my thoughts. I enjoy talking about my experiences as I know I'm helping others too.
I hope to become an ambassador for autism and attend events to do everything I possibly can to help one another in the spectrum. I believe making awareness and a difference will help other autistic people to come to terms with their diagnosis, understand it more and embrace it.
Become A Writer/Journalist
You may have seen this one coming considering I enjoy writing and blogging.
I'm literally the biggest fan you'll ever meet of celebrities and reading gossip magazines.
Over the years, I've picked up a lot of journalism styled writing, to be able to put my skills into practise and write for a magazine is something I really dream of doing as a career.
Do A Skydive for Charity
I've had this in mind for the past few weeks which I've only now considered.
I really enjoy doing things for charity, especially as a child at school. Although I know skydive is nothing compared to that. Am I fearless? Not quite. Although I would certainly go way out of my comfort zone to do something spectacular for autism. Plus, it's something that I could say I've achieved in my life.
Go On Holiday To Bora Bora
You're most probably thinking, where the hell is that? or never hear of it in my life.
If you watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians then you'd know the Kardashians family love to vacate there. Yes, I do love the Kardashians! Bora Bora is a South Pacific island northwest of Tahiti in French Polynesia. It's my ideal holiday ever. But of course, I'd have to wait until I win the lottery someday hopefully. Or else it would be a once in a lifetime holiday for me or unfortunately stay as a dream of mine.
" How incredibly beautiful does it look?! "
Move To Central London
I've visited London around 6 times in my whole entire life and every time I go I always fall in love with that city more and more. The atmosphere, scenery and livelihood is everything I dream in in a place to live. If you're from that area and reading this, you're probably thinking it's nothing special but for us who live in Cornwall, it's not a place we see everyday to admire the surroundings.
To have a lovely home, nice career and family is ultimately how I would like to live in London. It's everything that Cornwall hasn't got.
Try Out Reality TV and do BIG BROTHER!
Last but not least. To be able to do Big Brother and be on TV is something I'd love to try.
My reason for this is because I want to stand as a spokesperson and role model for the autism community as I don't think anybody with autism has had the experience which I would like to be the first to do it. To challenge myself in a completely different surrounding and meet people.
It would be a totally different social environment for me especially to meet friends.
The largest mechanical puppet ever constructed made it's way to Cornwall yesterday to celebrate Cornwall's mining heritage.
The Man Engine has been travelling through Cornwall over the past few days to mark the 10th anniversary of our mining landscape. So, what better way to go visit The Man Engine and show some support...
Me and the family spent half of the afternoon in our local town to join the crowd and meet The Man Engine which was quite a a special moment to be apart of.
Gathering inside the huge crowd where tonnes of locals watched by and took many photos, It was absolutely jam-packed. There must have been at least thousands of people watching the Man Engine mark it's mining anniversary.
To actually get the chance to stand metres away from the incredibly built puppet was so fascinating as it's not very often you see something like this. So, to be apart of it was amazing.
It's difficult to image how much work and effort must have gone into make this remarkable puppet, the people, the talent and time it took to build. It's said to be three times the size of a double decker bus.
"The largest mechanical puppet ever made in Britain, the 'miner' is the same height as a double decker bus when in its 'crawling' mode, but will 'transform' to almost three times that height when stood up".
ME - DISNEY LAND PARIS (2005)
ME - DISNEY LAND PARIS (2005)
DISNEY LAND PARIS - STUNT SHOW (2005)
ME (BUTLINS 2002)
ME, MY NIECE & NEPHEW (BUTLINS 2015)
ME & MUM (BUTLINS 2015)
It's very rare I get around a lot, however, there are still many places I have enjoyed visiting. These are not all as you'd imagine like holiday destinations, It's nothing spectacular. I've only travelled abroad once...
Most people are very surprised by this confession. One of my goals is to travel parts of the world in the future. I'm very interested in different types of cultures. My most favourite culture of all would have to be Mexican, believe it or not! Growing up, I found it interesting particularly in school where we'd have to research certain types of cultural places. I always found Mexico unusual, bright and colourful. If I was given the chance, I would certainly check it out for myself tomorrow!
Here, I give my 10 favourite places & the places I would love to visit abroad some day...
London has to be my first and most favourite place of all. Last year was the fourth time I've been. I love everything about London. The busyness of the streets and the huge range of things to do. I've always said to myself that it's the place I'd prefer to live in the future. Ask me why? It's because I love that the cities huge and it has everything in one big space. It's the perfect place to have a nice career.
The times I have been there, I've visited most of the tourist attractions, including, London Dungeon, Madame Tussands, London Eye and the museums. If I ever won the lottery... that's where I'd love to be!
Disney Land Paris
Even though It was around 11 years ago when I first went on a holiday to Disney Land Paris, the times that I remember, I absolutely enjoyed it. It's the perfect kiddies holiday! I went on holiday there in 2004 with my dad when I was 6 years old. The atmosphere is incredible and the things to do are amazing. My favourite attractions there were the car stunt shows and the 4D cinema.
I'm surprised I can still remember it! The hotel we stayed at was set like an old western town. Not forgetting the time when I bought a Lion King's Simba teddy which I think I sadly lost.
I still have a photo album of all the nice pictures we took and I also have some souvenirs too. It's an experience I'll never forget. I'm so lucky to have visited there, It's every kid's dream.
(I thank my dad for that)
The first time I went to Butlins in Minehead was when I was at least 4 or 5 years old. I can't remember much about it although I know I did go with my Mum, Dad and two sisters.
One thing that I can still remember like it was yesterday was the time I fell over and grazed me knee. Me and my sisters absolutely loved it. Again this is a perfect holiday for kids.
The most recent time I went to Butlins was for a week only last year for my nephew's birthday.
Countries I'd Love To Visit...
This is one place I would absolutely love to visit! The reason for this is most probably because of my love for the Kardashians as they live in Beverly Hills.
The beautiful sunny weather & amazing views. If I ever did go to Beverly Hills or America in general, I would love to go on a tour bus around famous celebrities houses. The hills on the cliff tops look gorgeous.
Considering I'm a massive junk food fan, I'm sure their cuisines would taste fabulous! Especially, the fried, takeaway foods.
It's certainly on my to-visit hit list.
Bora Bora is in the South Pacific Island - north west of Tahiti in French Polynesia.
I would describe this place as similar to Maldives? From what I remember seeing from The Kardashians (again) there are small wooden chalets above the ocean.
This place looks insanely incredible! I'm sure it's the perfect holiday to just totally relax.
This is a place I'd love to visit, believe it or not...
It's an unusual one for me. The things I love about the country is the bright and vibrant colours, the beaches. Although not so much probably the food as It's something I wouldn't like to try. I would certainly go there for the amazing views and hot weather! I find the culture very interesting and it's something I would like to know more about.
For sometime now I've been thinking about my future and where I would like myself to be within the next year. Whether that's career-wise or living my life independently & how I want to.
I'm finally going to be turning eighteen next month and I've already made goals on where I'd like to be in life after my 18th Birthday.
It's most probably everyone's dreams to get their own place and be living a life independently which that's exactly what I'm hoping for right now.
Some people may think it's too soon or many people might be thinking do whatever makes you feel happy...
My family are not influenced at all by my decision to move out and fend for myself. It's what I've wanted for a long time and I want to put it to the test. My family are very supportive of my decision, however, I'm aware I need to take into consideration the things I'm prepared to take control of by myself. That's including, money -budgeting and general things you would need to be prepared for. I want to start fending for myself and doing things in a mature and adult way. It's all part of life which has to happen at some point in life.
I've been in talks with the services involved with me and their going to do the best they can to help. When I mention that I want to get a place of my own...I don't mean to live the life of Riley and live off luxuries with a 10-bedroom mansion. That's certainly not the case at this entire moment. That's nothing to say what might happen in the future for me in regards to my career of blogging or what I may dream of...
I'm hugely keen to blog for the rest of my life and pursue a career from it. Blogging has helped me recognise my skills & qualities in an in-depth perspective. It's given me the confidence to try to achieve the best that I can in life.
I have thought whether I might get lonely or depressed living alone, however, I will still be in short distance of my family.
More importantly it's how I would spend my time living by myself which would of course mostly involve going to College regularly.
The more I attend College, the more I enjoy it. I've presently been really enjoying College as it keeps me in a routine and breaks up my time.
Having my own space would keep me happy, doing the things I do. This will help my meltdowns become less regular because I'd have nobody to fall out with it. I can do the things I want to do but how I want to do it.
My Pros & Cons Of Living Independently By Myself
Having My Own Space
Less Likely To Fall Out With Somebody
Nobody To Tell Me I Can't Do Something
Having My Own Set Of Rules
May Feel Lonely
Attending Appointments On My Own & On Time
May Have Difficulty Doing A Simple Task
It's always important to recognise the things that helps make us happy in our everyday lives.
Whether it's something big or small, it's good to know what helps us feel happy from the inside and out.
Hundreds of things help put a smile on my face. Some more than others. We always need a time in our lives to appreciate the things that contribute towards our happiness. Whatever it is, it's what keeps us alive in order to enjoy life that little further more.
Today, I have put together the things that keeps me happy on a daily basis.
Feel free to be inspired and steal my ideas!
1. Keeping To A Familiar Routine
2. Going Out To The Cinema
3. Watching My Favourite Television Programmes
4. Having A Positive Day At College
5. Lazy Days
6. Shopping Spree
(Clothes & Cosmetics)
7. Being Productive
8. Pampering Treat
(Bath & Face Masks)
9. Spending Time With Family
10. Social Media
(Facebook, Twitter, YouTube & Pinterest)
11. Baking Cakes
12. Quality Time With My Pets
(3 cats & 2 dogs)
13. Visiting London
(My Favourite Place)
14. Thinking About My Goals For The Future
15. Going Out To Restaurants
16. Swimming & Gym
(Autobiographies, Blogs & Celebrity Magazines)
20. Scented Candles
21. Writing Blog Posts
22. Listening To Music
23. Early Morning Starts At College
25. Hot Chocolates
(Marshmallows & Cream)
25. Enjoying My Own Company
26. People Who Are Friendly
27. Being Clean & Tidy
28. Browsing The Internet
29. Playing Board Games
30. Fresh Clean Linen
31. Winning On A Scratch Card!
32. Going For Walks
33. Celebrating Special Occasions
(Birthdays & Christmases)
34. Having My Eyebrows Threaded
35. Making People Laugh
36. Wrapping Gifts
37. You Guys Enjoying My Blog Posts
38. The Kardashians
39. Feeling Accomplished
41. Odd Socks
(Please Don't Ask Me Why)
42. Wearing Shorts & Sandles
43. Smell Of Fake Tan
44. Smell Of Chlorine
45. Going To The Theatre
46. When I Feel Proud Of Something I've Achieved
47. Hard Working
48. Planning A Diary
49. Back Tickles
50. Feeling Fresh
So there you have It! These are my top 50 things of what makes me happy. It's impressive of how many ideas you can come up with. I thoroughly enjoyed doing this.
Feel free to share what makes you happy in the comments below...
Would love to know!