As much as I enjoy going to College and learning new things about photography, there's a huge empty gap of loneliness in my days there. I worry about how I spend my breaks on my own or simply what do I do? Although I am growing much more independent with myself since not having someone there to rely on twenty four seven, I still get lonely and I feel I should have friends to hang out with to fit in with any other teenager. I do talk to my classmates and I do class them as friends, however, it's wondering if they really do see me as different to everyone else. A bit like the odd one out and billy no mates.
Today when I went to College, I was feeling really good. I almost went through the day without any bad feelings or anxieties but as it was the last lesson of the day, I dismissed myself 40 minutes early because I felt a little lonely and like nobody else was interested in me. I felt I didn't belong to the group at all and didn't fit in. Everyone's good at making friends quickly but I can't do that, If anything I find it hard to make friends because I don't have the social skills like a typical sociable teenager.
There's also the intimidation there at College, I often feel intimidated by the other students when it comes to how other people perceive me. How do I look? Am I acting too different or odd? It's those things I'm very conscious of. Every other student in my class are really friendly and easy to get along with, I'm just finding it difficult of facing the real world of College which I haven't experienced much of it without so much support. I'll see how I feel in the next few months...
Rewinding backwards to the start of the college term, I had a lot of trouble with getting back into routine and struggling with meeting new classmates. As always like any other students I was feeling a little apprehensive of things and questioned whether college was the right thing for me or If I was on the right course. It all turned out I was feeling nervous and anxious about being surrounded by other people of similar ages.
Apart from finding it difficult to fit in, I really enjoy studying photography four days a week. I've learnt so much already, from the basics of using a digital camera and film. We often use a room called the darkroom which is a room where you make various prints and a dark place to allow the processing of photographs. I have two great tutors who teach us well and really make sure we learn the most important things about photography who I get on with amazingly well.
The best thing I've learnt so far is the use of the camera and getting used to the various camera settings like changing the aperture and getting a good depth of field. These are both how in-focus your camera is of the object you're taking a picture of. The smaller the aperture, the larger depth of field you have and focus whereas, the larger the aperture, the shallow depth of field, Aperture is all measured in something what's called f-stops. f/22 is the smallest and f/1.4 is largest.
Overall college is going very well. When I'm in a much more structured routine, I feel I get on much better. I suppose it all takes time of getting used to. We're already four weeks into this term with two weeks until half-term. Where has the time gone? This year has gone way too quick.