I have never denied the fact that I'm always self-concious of myself. Am I Fat? Ugly ? Feminine? Those are the questions that are consciously sitting in my mind everyday since becoming a teenager or even way before.. I understand that it's all to do with growing up and getting these feelings are sometimes natural but there comes a time when you truly believe that it's becoming a real issue and affects your everyday life. I'm not saying it's a major issue, It affects my self-confidence which I'm always trying to be somebody who I'm not, trying to be somebody better than myself in terms of how I act because self-image-confidence knocks me back.
The people that surround me may think different of this matter however, it's not always about the outside that shows, It can be within the inside too. I really believe, I'm fat, ugly and feminine. I'm quite a happy person most of the time although self-image is what knocks my confidence the most.
On a daily-basis I try to improve the way I act or look. I'm forever trying to disguise the way I do things. The way I walk, talk or just things generally. I'm always telling myself to just be myself and I am working on that.
I've always struggled with my weight, I do think of myself as being fat. I'm always pressuring myself into change my lifestyle but when I try, I can't seem to grab that motivation because it's hard trying to change something you feel you can't improve.
I admit I'm feminine and I don't do things the way most boys my age probably would. I feel there's a lot of pressure to be who you want to be whether that's being gay or not. I'm not into typical boy things, I'd much prefer to watch make-up tutorials on YouTube and read celebrity magazines than, watching sports or learning how to fix a bike.
Maybe it's because my interest have always been Celebrity gossip magazines and I'm looking up to 'Females' Yes I said, females.... but I'm not afraid to admit that. The pressure to be accepted & being judged is something I'm always cautious of.
If I was given the option to hang out with males or females, I'd no doubt choose females.
I've been confused with my sexuality for a while now. I don't know myself whether I'm attracted to male or females? however, when I see a male that I think is well presented, I often think their good-looking or admire their looks, it's never whether I'm deeply attracted to them or just fancy them. That's hardly ever the case. So I'm always thinking to myself, Do I even know my own sexuality? I'm always confused.
Everyday I'm trying to learn how to be myself even though I often can be around my family. It's more to do with the pressure of being in public such as, at college or out in general. It's a learning curve that I have to teach myself.